Edward Cullen's TRUE Story
by ZachFitzyBoy101
Summary: This is my version of Edward becoming a vampire. His last name will end up being Felon. I'm not sure how many chapters it will be, but they won't all be very long. Rated M because I can get weird...
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I just thought of this idea. Since I hate Twilight Saga, but just ADORE crazy stories, I'm deciding to create Edward Cullen's backstory. In MY version, his name is Edward Felon.

Disclaimer: I'm NOT the owner of Twilight Saga or it's pricky characters. Too bad OTHERWISE you'd actually be entertained!

Edward's POV

"Cedric? Cedric! Watch out! I see something!" Hairy Pits yelled, slapping me in the face.

I was slightly shocked. "What is it, Hairy?" I asked in alarm. "What do you see?"

Hairy looked past my shoulder. "Something...something...I have NO clue. Turn around you nitwit!" he screeched.

I turned to find Mickey Mouse standing there. Only, this wasn't your regular Mickey; this one happened to be at least half a kilometer high!

"You shall die!" it cried before pulling a fairly large branch off of a nearby tree.

"Run!" Hairy screamed, grabbing my arm and yanking.

"Stop." I commanded. Hairy pulled again, but I was rooted to my spot.

Hairy gave an exasperated sigh and ran off, calling me a blooming prick on the way.

"BLOODY HELL!" I screamed when I suddenly felt a sharp pain in my arse. I looked up to see Mouse holding the tree branch.

"You shall die!" Mickey cried again, bring the stick down upon my burning backside.

I should have known it was a switch the moment I saw it! I yelled internally at myself. Then, everything went black.

Me: Short, I know, but the next chapter will be MUCH longer.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Hello there! Sorry that the last chapter wasn't pong enough to deserve the title "chapter", but I promise you this one will be loads longer in length.

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight Saga or any of it's, um, CHARACTERS. I bet you all WISH I was rich enough to buy it and create a whole new world of Dracula.

Edward's POV

I awoke in a start. "Wha...? Where AM-" I cut myself off with a laugh. I started laughing so hard I began to slam my fist upon the ground. "Jesus oh Mary!" I shrieked between laughs.

"Are you alright, young slag?" I heard a voice ask.

I rolled over, but didn't stop laughing. "Wha...? Wha...? Wha...? Who ah...? Who ah...? Who ARE you?" I FINALLY managed.

"Me? Carlisle Felon." the git responded. What a bloody fucking tosser this guy seemed to be.

"Explain moh-" I ended up cutting myself off again.

The Carlisle fellow cocked an eyebrow at me like a wanker. "Explain more? Sure. I saw you bleeding and dying on the ground and I decided I wanted to help."

So far...? A pathetic tale that will only sell to tens of people. Almost exactly like this story I'm in besides the fact that FanFiction is free.

"Anyways," the blighter continued in a weird tone, "When I reached you, I took one quick glance at your face and was just exactly like 'This boy's is the dog's bollocks, it is.' So, I leaned over and decided to give you a hickey. Well, it backfired and I have no clue as to what happened next. You began to writh, so...I ran off. I came back to see if you had ceased your spasms, and THIS is what I come to." He gestured around at me.

I saw the sunlight and sneezed. I guess allergies still weren't through with me. I then had this urge to go into the light. I leapt to ny feet and ran. The problem was...I ran a dozy. I moved a snail's pace. Actually, I glanced at the ground and a snail was making it's way by me, no problem.

"Yes, well...I don't what to say to that." the bloke covered his mouth to keep from laughing out loud.

I glared before yelling in a slow, deep voice "Oh, just bugger OFF!"

That made him laugh. "Oh, whatEVER!"

Once I reached the sunlight patch in the middle of the dodgy place I was in, I looked at my hand to see I was BROWN! "Bloody HELL!" I cried.

"Language!" Carlisle chided. "And, I can't believe this, but you're just...just...just..."

"WHAT?!" I screamed while stamping my foot like some girl who just got told her makeup made her look like a clown.

"You are the mankiest thing I have EVER laid eyes on." Carlisle gasped. "I mean, look at you, you MINGER! My eyes BURN!"

And, with that, he sprinted away from me. I was surprised he didn't sooner as of two reasons: One; this tale would be over with quicker, and Two; I was a minger BEFORE turning brown. Maybe my hideous skin tanned quickly...?

I turned on the spot to come face to face with something much more ugly than myself and screamed "Gordon Bennett!" at the top of my lungs.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Okay...last chapter not as long as I thought it was going to be, BUT it was still longer than the one before. This is my FINAL chapter in this story. Rmember, I'm brand-new to this so...no, um...extremely harsh flames or whatever they're called.

Disclaimer: Who FOUNDED these?

Edward's POV

"Are YOU Cedric Diggherpussy?" the thing asked in a high-pitched voice.

"I-I don't know. Maybe?" I tried. I quivered at the familiar stick in the thingamajig's hand. Must I say it? You should know by now what the item was.

The thingy cackled like an oaf. "Oh, you are such an eejit, you are! Now, where's your back-up? I won't fight you without some CHALLENGE." It cackled again.

"Who are you?!" I blurted loudly. Maybe Father Christmas heard me from up north.

"Me? Well, I am Lord Moldywart! Mwahahahahahaha!" Moldyfart or whatever it said it's name was cackled in that same dying arse tone.

I blinked once, debating on whether to run or to attack. Attacking seemed better if snails could easily pass me when I'm going my full speed. "I-My back-up flunked out on me."

"Real-?" Moldamabob was cut off by a "thump! drag...thump! drag..." sound.

"No*pant pant* he didn't!" I heard an exhausted voice state out loud.

I started and turned ninety degrees to see that Felon chap come clomping his bloody way towards us. "Blimey, Mr. Felon! You seem a piss-artist."

"So it seems you've caught on." Carlisle managed after catching his breath. "I figured that this story was completely off it's onion and somebody must be PLONKERS to read it! I mean, their lives are more than likely more interesting than this tale we happen to be stuck in. ANYWAYS, Modlywart (Oh...MOLDYWART. Okay, gotcha), I would like you to meet Edweird Felon, my most prized cat. I ride this little fellow to work every single week."

Moldywart dropped the switch and said "Well, have you seen Cedric Diggherpussy? We have incomplete business to accomplish."

"Nope." said Carlisle.

"Never heard of the git." I stated.

Moldywart nodded and turned to walk away when all of a sudden he began to have a seizure.

"Pish!" I shouted.

That's when Emmett, Jasper, Alice, Esme, Bella, Jacob the Huskee, Eleacar-maker, Ton?yeah!, Karma, I. , Skate, and Pansy came out of nowhere and joined hands around Moldywart.

"Wanna be my kiddo, Ed?" Carlisle asked.

I shrugged. "Eh, what's up doc?"

He took my hand and we joined the group around the creature writhing away on the ground. Then, we all started singing that campfire song from SpongeBob SquarePants.

That's the end. Not of my life, but of this ridiculous story that I bet not even ten people globally will care to read and review. At least one may have...

Me: Not as long as I thought it would be. Hm...


End file.
